Assertiveness

If we examine characteristics of the at-risk student, we find that they have a sense of no control of their lives (no power). They frequently feel belittled, shamed and powerless. Others regularly insult and manipulate them.

We Have Tools to Give to Students.

We can give students tools to prevent several common kinds of manipulation. And if we start young enough, we can show them how to deflect insult and not be damaged by it. (See the technique described in "Emotional Pain.")

Starting Young Is Important.

We will be most effective if we start in K-1 because the student will not have had time to develop deeply entrenched, destructive thinking habits. If we wait until middle school, our instruction can still be useful, but it is remedial. Students will have suffered endless insults needlessly.

With R&R, students learn the difference between aggressiveness, assertiveness and passivity and how to defend themselves assertively. They learn that sarcasm is aggression and they learn to recognize abuses of power. They also understand their own responsibility in relation to abuses of power.

Back to top

Emotional Pain

Emotional pain is a reality of life. Everyone suffers from time to time. We can't avoid all emotional pain, but we need to learn first how to protect ourselves from unnecessary pain and second, how to dispose of pain in a healthful manner.

The need to get rid of the pain--or express the pain--appears to be a basic human need. When a child has a fuss with an another child and loses, he may well force a smaller child to lose in the same way. It's the old story of the man having a bad day at the office, returning home where he kicks the dog.

When children strike out at one another, it interferes with their emotional growth.

We teach that there are only three reasons people say insulting, rude, hurtful things:

So we don't have to believe rude, insulting comments. We say to ourselves, "This person is hurting inside and trying to get relief from his own pain."

Then we have kids practice saying, "I don’t have to listen to talk like that," and walk away.

Getting Rid of the Pain

And we teach that when we are suffering emotional pain, the proper way to get rid of it is:

1. to discuss it with someone who will listen and validate the pain.

2. write about the pain. Sitting quietly and pouring everything about the hurt onto paper lessens the pain.

3. Persons who follow religious practice can ease their pain through prayer or meditation.

Some intense pain we can never completely get rid of.

Back to top

Our needs direct our actions.

Please see Human Needs page.

Back to top

Mostly via sit-coms and other media, our society has taught our young to deliver unspeakable rudeness. They insult, belittle, ridicule, mock, shame and humiliate all in the name of humor. The effect this has on their peers ranges from mild self doubts to that of debilitating insecurity, self-hate and hopelessness. (i.e. Columbine.)

Human beings have a basic need to be nurtured. For children the need is critical. Every step is new, and if they are blasted emotionally whenever they peek out, they will learn to keep their heads down, their voices quiet and exit the situation when the going looks safe. They will be education failures—and possibly life failures.

The student may not study much to avoid being mocked for being a "brain" (and the black child may not study much to avoid being shamed for "acting white"). Everybody loses. Every child must get the quality education each individual needs to prosper in the global economy.

Society suffers from not having their fully developed talents—and from the costs these underachievers incur through use of publicly financed social services.

Nurturing and kindness, must be taught from the earliest opportunity. Students must practice (as a normal part of every school day) encouraging and assisting peers and those younger or less experienced until it becomes a "way of school" and a way of life.

An important part of their study (textbook lessons "Hurt Words" "Language Can Be Powerful" "Hurt Actions") is the effects of insult, put-down, shame, rudeness on others (and the opposite result when we nurture) in order that they see the effects on others and society. Intellectual understanding and daily practice are both musts if we are to reverse this dehumanizing, destructive practice.

Back to top

Every human being has many talents. That's what we're made up of, talents, abilities, skills (developed talents) inclinations, capabilities, aptitudes, gifts, perceptions, awareness. All this fits very neatly under the heading "talents," and it has the advantage of understandability for a five year old.

A problem existing in virtually every school, is that one or more students per first grade will not learn to read when their classmates do. In most schools the non-reader is teased for being dumb—or stupid—and FOREVER he carries this cloud with him. Throughout his school years, even thought he learns to read and reads well, he probably will always think of himself as not being smart. How does this affect the rest of his school performance? Not well. Odds are he will underperform.

The "loose" definition of smart that we carry around in our consciousness is useless. We have all known "smart" people who fail to do anything useful, who destroy themselves, or an organization or their reputations. "Smart" doesn't tell us how a person is something special. It is more useful to simplify "smart" as being the ability to learn, and put all of the rest of it within the realm of talents or aptitudes and skills.

This makes room for every student to be the best he/she can be.

If we redefine smart as being the ability to learn new things and dumb as something we all do from time to time because we are human beings and all human beings do dumb stuff now and then, we change the mindset. Then we explain that everything we are able to do is a talent. Out of 125 talents, we might have a talent to:

The student reading four grades above everyone else has lots of reading talent. The one who reads slowly and laboriously must practice more than those who read easily, because reading is so important that everyone has to develop that talent as much as possible.

This concept also gets the super talented off the hook about hiding their superior level of talent. Students have avoided revealing their excellence in order to be one of the "regular" group. But with the talent concept, everyone expects everyone else to develop their strongest talents as far as they can make them grow. That's part of the teaching, that we will probably use our strongest talents to earn a living, therefore, we have a responsibility to grow them. (We have a starter list showing 125 talents.)

Using the nurturing concept, in class, each person's talents are identified, encouraged (cheered on) by both peers and teachers. Every student grows, everybody wins.

Back to top

Nurturing Techniques

Nurturing is learned by:

1. modeling:

a child observes an adult doing kindly nurturing and repeats it with another child

a child observes another child nurturing, doing or saying the kinds of things that have been said to them and repeats it.

2. And it is learned through specific teaching and practice. With our current culture of ridicule, children don’t have the opportunity to see much healthful nurturing. We can teach students specific phrases and comments that will get them started.

We need to think in terms of "nurturing following success." How do we comment on something done well? And we need to think in terms of "nurturing following failure." What do we say to someone who just did it all wrong?

Nurturing in success: The object is to reinforce the success and encourage more of the same. The student can be instructed to respond to another student's correct answer in recitation or in performing any action well. (Sarcasm is an example of aggression and is NEVER appropriate.) Suggestions for the nurturer might be any of the following:

Nurturing in failure: More important, in some ways, is to teach students to nurture the mistake maker. The question we ask students is, "If you make a mistake when others can see and hear, how would you like them to react? What would you want to hear from someone if you thought you had the right answer and you discover, in front of the whole class, that your answer isn’t even close?"

Here are a few examples. Ask your students to think of good things to say in a variety of situations. Give them opportunities to do this every day during recitation. Sarcasm is never acceptable.

Bookmarks for this page.

Emotional Pain
Human Needs
Nurturing, Kindness
Talent, Smart
Nurturing Techniques