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Constructive Discipline: experience or training
that corrects, molds, strengthens
(You may want to look at Destructive Discipline for how not to do it.)
Discipline can be extremely effective (even when
your back is turned) when the student:
1. Receives adequate information and practice regarding:
 | How we fill our "human needs" |
| How one person’s actions can affect the ability of another person to learn
and grow.
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2. Develops an understanding of, and practices, all person’s
responsibilities through:
To reach this goal, students study the above
fundamentals and:
The concept of our equal human needs
To recognize emotions other than anger and learn appropriate
responses before anger sets in
To deal appropriately with anger
When they have a good grasp of these fundamentals, we can
lead our students to responsible behavior through a non-punitive questioning process. We
ask questions relating the behavior to the 5 Principles, The Charter, The Two Jobs,
The Techniques of Respect, the concept of Needs, etc.
The questions we ask the student can be simplified to a
formula of five steps. Ask the student to:
1. Repeat the appropriate fundamental: "Which
Principle of Responsibility applies to this situation?"
2. Apply the fundamental to the current situation: "How does
that apply to this situation?"
3. Describe the alternative action: "Tell me what would be a
better way for a student to handle a situation like this."
4. Ask the student how he can make amends (If this applies):
"What should a student do after something like this happens to make things
right?"
5. Ask him to begin: "Which steps are you prepared to take right
now to show me that you can be responsible?"
All the while the student is being led through this
thinking process, we deliver respect and dignity to him/her. We are polite. We give
her/him good eye contact. We do not use insulting tones. We do not use sarcasm. We are
courteous. We are firm. We are the adults and we are in charge.
A series of "discipline" questions might go
something like this:
"Tell me which Principle of Responsibility
applies here."
"What does it say? Repeat it for me please." (Or read it to me please.)
"What does that mean?"
(Rephrase the students answer or ask another question if
his answer is inadequate.) It's useful to mirror his response.
"Were anyone's rights affected?"
"Tell me how."
"When someone's rights have been affected, what do we need to do?"
(The student may acknowledge her error to the other person
involved—or may apologize if she chooses.)
"What needs do you think students might be filling
when they do something like that?"
"How else can students fill those needs that would be productive?"
"What can you do, starting right now, to fill your needs in ways that are good
for you and good for others?"
"Tell me how you plan to start."
"Good. Please come back next Monday at 12:30 and fill me in on how it’s
going. If you need help, we’ll work together to find some." (Adult then shakes
hands with the student.)
The student has been led through a thinking process,
has been asked some tough questions, but was treated with respect. Her/his need for
dignity has been maintained and her/his behavior will begin to improve—sometimes
quite rapidly.
Though an element of punishment might be a portion of
"experience," if we use punishment—particularly rigid, harsh
punishment—we will be far less successful in correcting, molding and
strengthening character than if we use more thoughtful techniques based on our
understanding of human needs and these fundamentals.
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Problem one:
The rat has reigned far too long. B.F. Skinner led us
down the garden path on this one, testing his motivation and behaviorist theories on rats,
then applying the results to human behavior. We’ve all seen some ratty human
behavior, but thinking human beings would be motivated by and could be taught to respond
to stimuli like a rodent—and that this would build a better world—was not only a
gross error, but has damaged countless lives.
Before he was discredited, he
lead scores of disciples to design destructive business management practices (which
are still used all over the country. The Japanese decided Deming made more
sense, followed his practices and ended up with far higher productivity.) and
debilitating student management practices all in the name of science and motivating
people. Beware of motivational theories and practices. Most of them involve
manipulation or some subtle kind of coercion.
Plans to be used in schools, that were designed by the behaviorists, involve various kinds
of coercion. Put names of misbehaviors on the board to humiliate and embarrass. If they
were sufficiently embarrassed they would choose to avoid embarrassment in the future. Give
little prizes for good behavior. Students will curb their urge for negative behavior if
they think they might get a prize. (Read Alphie Kohn’s book, Punished by Rewards.)
Shallow self-interest, the carrot and the stick were all called scientific "human
management" tools.
Problem two:
Society equates an old term, discipline, with
punishment. Think discipline, think punish. The reality is, the more we punish, the more
we have to punish. Our prisons are filled with people who have been punished* and
punished, but it doesn’t stop their behavior. If punishment teaches
anything, it teaches some kids to not get caught. (See Punishment
Risks.) It falls short as a tool for creating moral development—or real respect
and responsibility.
*As a percentage of population, we have
six times the number of persons in prison as other industrialized nations. This ought to
have us examining every aspect of society to see where we are failing.
We make lots more progress in changing behavior if we
examine needs and teach our kids to fill their needs in productive ways.
A Better and Much More Effective Approach:
Looking at human needs, we see that all people need (among
other needs):
1. to be respected, to be treated with dignity
2. to have a sense of belonging (to the group or community)
3. have a sense of control of (power over) their own lives
4. to be taken seriously
5. to receive attention
6. to be listened to
What, after all, is the goal of discipline?
If character development is our goal, discipline cannot be
thought of as:
behavior management: Persons who are
"managing" us are not delivering respect and dignity.
student control: Self control is the only good control. People who are being
"controlled" resent the control and are less productive. Those who say we
can’t lead students to self control have no skills in the appropriate techniques.
punishment: Punishment is useful only in the short term. Turn your back and
they’re back at it. Punishment is the least effective way to create permanent change.
Effective discipline must be fashioned around needs.
Please see Constructive Discipline for more
effective techniques.
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The Culture of Punishment:
Some of us have been reared in a strict, "Do it, do
it now, or you will be punished," atmosphere and feel that all wrongdoing must
be punished because it was successful with us and our siblings. (We and each of
our siblings all grew up without doing drugs, abusing alcohol, etc. and are now all
responsible, conscientious, good citizens.) If we were punished and did not suffer the
negative effects that can develop with punishment, it was because we were also accepted,
loved and listened to, etc.—we had our essential needs met.
Why We Punish:
We React Angrily: They’re misbehaving
again—we’ve told them a thousand times to do this or that—or not to, and
they’re at it again (and we know that telling is the least effective way to get
something done, but telling is a habit) so we’re angry that we’re facing it
again. (We also might be a bit angry with ourselves, because we know that we
should be handling the matter differently, but changing is hard.)
So, the Reasons We Punish are:
1. We were brought up this way. It’s part of our culture.
2. It’s quick. We need to get on with other, important matters.
3. We’re at our wits end. We’ve asked, bargained, pleaded, implored to no
avail.
4. We have been persuaded that these are "consequences" not punishment.
(Consequences are simply punishments we were told we would receive if we
did "x".)
5. It’s easy. (It doesn’t require that we learn, practice and become
competent with new skills.)
6. Or we’re ticked off. We are often expressing our own anger when we punish.
Punishment as Reward: Punishment reinforces
negative behavior. If the student has learned that attention comes only with misbehavior,
punishment is a reward. This is also the case for the student for whom misbehavior has
become a pattern of rebellion.
When Punishment Does "Work:"
Punishment stops destructive behavior only
when students are getting most of their needs met in an otherwise loving and gentle
environment. If a child is not accepted, loved, supported, encouraged, listened to, etc.,
punishment will be counterproductive. Punishment (as we see in the criminal population)
does not deter people from wrongdoing. It does make some persons much more skilled at not
getting caught—at least for a time. A prisoner might have committed six, twelve or
forty crimes before he was caught. But if we examine his background we will find a pattern
of repeated offenses (often going back to first grade) and repeated punishment.
What Happens to Learning after Punishment?
Punishments leave a student mulling and stewing over the
incident. He turns it over and over in his head—sometimes for hours.
How much is the student
learning during those hours? Zip. Zero. Nothing.
If we want to maximize learning, we eliminate as
much trauma, humiliation, insult, as we can. We insist that all persons involved (us
included) work respectfully to resolve the situation. When we are through, we shake hands,
give each person good eye contact and smile warmly with a comment that is encouraging.
"I know you can (play fair) behave responsibly. I’m expecting (fair play)
responsible behavior from you. Next time we talk, I’d like it to be about (project
the student is working on, or some talent related effort by the student)."
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Kohlberg postulates that as we mature, and IF we
mature morally, we move through six levels of moral development.
Those levels, simplified are:
We act:
1. to avoid punishment
2. in order to get a reward
3. to gain approval, please others
4. to avoid dishonor
5. to maintain respect of others
6. to maintain self-respect
Most school discipline plans are designed using levels one
and two (threats of punishment or promises of reward). Individuals, working with students,
sometimes try to get behavior changes by using number three. "Please do it, just for
me." (When we teach children to do something to please us, the question is, who next
will they try to please? And will it be in their best interests? This technique is
classified as being one kind of "manipulation" and should be discouraged.)
If we design a discipline plan around punishment or
rewards* we reinforce the first two levels of moral development. We
may even "hook" kids at that level. We might even be hampering the
development of higher levels of development.
If, however, we use more sophisticated tools (not lectures
or threats) designed around the sixth level, doing what’s right, simply because
it’s right, fair, appropriate, kind, respectful and responsible, we can bring more of
them along to that level. (Click here to see more on Constructive
Discipline.)
*Kohlberg asserts that children do not develop a
"moral sense" until they are about seven years old. When we are dealing with
very young children, two, three and four year olds, we may have no choice but to offer
reward, or hold punishment over their heads.
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Isn’t the development of responsibility the job
for parents? Aren’t they supposed to be sending kids to school ready to learn?
Most parents ARE working to develop responsibility in
their children. Many parents spend long hours with their kids, play with their kids, have
serious discussions with their kids and work very hard to do the right thing.
But society is doing the opposite. The pace of society is
fast, cutting into time spent with kids. Television and other media glorify and promote
irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Advertising teaches them to indulge themselves at every
turn. Sit-coms model rudeness and cruelty. Insult has replaced clever humor. Peer pressure
is powerful and leads to misbehavior. Most parents appreciate all the help they can
get.
Then there are parents who work two jobs just to put food
on the table. When do they have time to interact with their kids?
And who is going to give a kid a sense of self and a sense
of responsibility if his parents have slipped down into the drug/alcohol/crime abyss? We
see it on the news every day. The people getting into trouble, making the news, are almost
always also parents. There are thousands of kids out there whose parents have such
big problems that they can't be gentle, loving parents. If for no other reason, we
need to implement the R&R teachings in schools so the students who suffer multiple
deprivations have the guidance they need to become contributing citizens.
And peer pressure works the other way, too. When
some of the students start to use the techniques they are taught in R&R, other
students learn from them. Typically, students who have good training at home start to use
the R&R techniques right away. Students from less fortunate backgrounds receive
"positive peer pressure" to shape up, and learning from other students in this
manner is very effective.
It’s Tough Going Alone
The reality is, many parents need help
developing responsibility in their kids. The whole community should be involved. The best
place to start is the schools, because every student goes their five days a week. We can
reach every child if we start in the schools.
And It Would Be a Step Forward If…
As a society we need to establish more parenting classes,
connect them to birth records—invite parents to classes at varying times in the life
of the child—1. How to deal with the newborn, 2. How to deal with the terrible two's,
3. What your children need to experience that will prepare them for school—ages two
to five, 4. What to expect from the pre-adolescent, etc.
And the Reality Is…
We are none of us perfect parents. Most of us
become parents. Most of us have suffered some kind of emotional trauma. Most of our hurts
have been small and we have learned to handle them.
But some emotional injuries interfere with our ability to
think clearly in our relationships with our children. Unknowingly we may set them up for
failure. Some parents say seriously destructive things to their children:
- 1. criticism,
2. ridicule,
3. excessive punishment
4. or fail to accept the kind of child they have
with no inkling that they are being hurtful. We must work to remove the
lingering stigma attached to counseling so that parents seek the help they need from time
to time. And we must get the word out (the dangers of criticism, ridicule, excessive
punishment) to parents and show them better ways to deal with their children.
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